Porker Pakka sheds pounds

Portly gardenite Makka Pakka has recently been seen sporting a more svelt figure. Speaking exclusively to The Daily, Pakka reveals that his fat-busting fitness secret is simple: stone lifting. 'Actually the weight's been coming off gradually ever since I became interested in stones. I feel lighter every day', he stated.

Makka Pakka: Before his transformation (left) waving to the Ninky-Nonk as it passes him by and after (right) with his trim new figure, striding easily through the garden without the help of his Ogg-Pogg.

With a new spring in his step, Pakka, 45, has been seen washing faces with more than his usual vigor, and reports that he even managed to catch the Ninky-Nonk without resorting to the use of his trumpet. Stone lifting is not Pakka's only secret, he reveals. 'I've also cut down on Pinky-Ponk juice and have started to use my exercise Ogg-Pogg at home when watching telly. I even sleep with a stone to keep myself motivated'. 

Pakka 'a good example'
Night garden health authorities have expressed relief that at least one plus-sized resident has taken a 'stepping stone' towards good health. 'We are concerned about the growing girth of some of the night garden residents. Even the so-called 'teeny tiny' Pontipine parents are carrying considerable excess weight around their middles, and this a well-known indicator of risk for heart disease and other health problems. Makka Pakka is setting a good example and we hope other residents will follow his lead'.

Makka Pakka has offered his advice and support to other gardenites seeking sleeker figures. 'I feel my journey could inspire others, and I've got some practical tips to offer as well. Naming no names, but you don't slim down by lying around in bed all day, and carrying a blanket around is hardly weight-bearing exercise,' he says. Pakka has even developed his own range of fitness equipment, including the Makksimiser(TM), which Pakka describes as a cross between the Cardio Twister and the Denise Austin Power Belt, 'but with more stones'.

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The Ball still at large

Night garden authorities are seeking information as to the whereabouts of the Ball, after several reports of public nuisance and grevious bodily harm. The Ball has not been seen since it bounced into Makka Pakka, knocking him into his Ogg-Pogg. Witnesses say that this act was deliberate, and sources report that it is only one of a string of similar incidents.

Sneaky tactics
Iggle Piggle, who claims he has also been a victim of the Ball's antisocial behaviour, said that the Ball lures gardenites into playing with it before turning on them. 'It's the bouncing,' he explained, 'It makes it look like something fun to throw or kick around'. Iggle stated that he was playing with the Ball when it suddenly built up speed by bouncing against several trees, before throwing itself toward him and knocking him to the ground. Other residents have been similarly tricked by the devious sphere. 
 
Authorities report that they have no firm leads as to the Ball's whereabouts at this stage. 'Unfortunately information so far has only resulted in the detainment and subsequent release of the oval HaaHoo in a case of mistaken identity. But there are not many places that the Ball can hide in the night garden once we have ruled out the Tombliboo residence, Upsy Daisy's bed and Makka Pakka's cave, so we are confident that we will find it soon,' said a source.

Readers should take note of the following description of the Ball: round, bouncy, caucasian, with a distinct jingling sound as it moves. Anyone who sees the Ball should contact authorities and approach it with caution.

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'Ponking' ban considered after Iggle injury

Residents who elect to ride the Pinky-Ponk around the night garden may soon have a smoother ride as the night garden council considers a proposal to ban 'Ponking'. The move comes after ubiquitous garden visitor Iggle Piggle reportedly suffered an injury from falling over during a large Ponk. Piggle, who was unable to discuss his injury because of an impending lawsuit, was travelling in the company of Upsy Daisy and the Tombliboos when the Pinky-Ponk hit a tree.

'Ponk alarm adequate'
Upsy Daisy, a long-term friend of Iggle Piggle, is spearheading the anti-Ponk campaign in the night garden. 'We need to put an end to Ponking. It looks like fun, but it is potentially hazardous, as Iggle's injuries confirm', she stated.

Representatives of Pinky-Ponk Inc have responded to claims that their transport is dangerous by pointing out that a proximity alarm is triggered in order to warn travellers that a Ponk is imminent, allowing them time to prepare. 'The Ponk alarm gives adequate warning for customers', said one. 'There is a light and sound component so that even hearing impaired customers are warned. We really don't see how we could make the Pinky-Ponk any safer'.

Upsy Daisy and others in the anti-Ponk camp are not convinced. 'What is the point of the warning if there are no seatbelts and nothing to hold on to?' questioned Upsy.

Ponking 'just good fun'
Ponk enthusiasts are outraged by the proposal to ban their favourite sport, which is unique to the night garden. One enthusiastic Ponker argued, 'Ponking makes otherwise boring journey on the Pinky-Ponk fun! What else are we supposed to do, wave at one another?' Another Ponker, who wished to remain anonymous, suggested that Iggle Piggle may have been injured because of an inherent problem with balance, and not because of the Ponk. 'Iggle Piggle falls over at the drop of a hat, not just in the Pinky Ponk', our informant stated.

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Excitement builds over 'Night Garden's Got Talent'

News that auditions will begin soon for The Night Garden's Got Talent has gardenites in a frenzy of excitement. The Gazebo has been confirmed as the judge, and the Disembodied Voice, known to residents as 'Barry', will be the host.

'It's the perfect role for me', said Barry, 'I'm totally comfortable saying things like 'what will you be doing today, Makka Pakka?' or 'The Tombliboos are playing Tombliboo music!'' I think my ability to explain what is going on to an audience will be invaluable to viewers of Got Talent'.

The audition process will kick off on Wednesday, and The Daily is able to bring readers this list of confirmed auditionees:
* Upsy Daisy (song and dance routine)
* Makka Pakka (stone stacking)
* Tombliboo Oo and Ee (piano and drum musical duet)
* Tombliboo Un (trouser twirling)
* The HaaHoos (synchronised swaying)

A garden insider reports that Iggle Piggle is also considering auditioning and has been seen practicing a daring bull fighting number using his red blanket. The Pontipine family have expressed disappointment that their proposed chimney jumping act was turned down by producers as 'too dangerous'. 'My children do it all the time, it's traditional in our culture', explained Mr Pontipine. The family are considering auditioning for Got Talent with a folk dancing act instead.

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Makka Pakka: 'Give me my own carriage'

Well-known stone artist and face-washer, Makka Pakka, staged a peaceful protest in the night garden this evening.  The protest was to draw attention to 'the need for more Ninky-Nonk carriages to be made available to residents'. During the protest, Pakka parked his Og-Pog in the path of the Ninky-Nonk as it took its journey around the night garden. The protest was largely unsuccessful as the Ninky-Nonk avoided Pakka and the Og-Pog by running up a tree.

Tombliboo carriage 'uncomfortable'
When interviewed by The Daily, Pakka explained that he felt it unfair that he was forced to share a carriage with three other passengers, Tombliboo Un, Oo and Ee. 'It's uncomfortable,' he told our reporter. 'The seats are not designed to fit my form and the seatbelts barely go around my middle. I'm also sick of seeing the Tombliboo pants fly off whenever the road gets a little rough'. While declining to place blame on other gardenites, Pakka pointed out that Iggle Piggle, a garden visitor, had his own carriage, which he frequently didn't use because he prefered to travel with Upsy Daisy. 'It's practically a spare carriage, that's all I'm saying,' he stated.

Other gardenites expressed sympathy for Makka Pakka's protest. 'We have to share our carriage with the Wottingers, so we know what it's like,' said Mr Pontipine, 'Can you imagine sixteen squealing children in that small space? Luckily the Wottingers don't seem to leave the house very often, and our children quite like to travel on the roof'.

Ninky-Nonk honchos: 'No new carriages'
When asked for their response, a representative of Ninky-Nonk-Inc stated that the Ninky-Nonk was currently carrying a full complement of carriages and there were no plans for new carriages in the near future. Pakka expressed fury at this response which he said was 'typical of the cold hearted corporation which runs the public transport system in the night garden'. He added that he would not be providing washing services for the Ninky-Nonk until his demands were met.

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Living large: At home with the Pontipines

In the first of our special in-depth profiles of night gardenites, The Daily is exploring the wonderful world of the Pontipine family. This exclusive interview with the family will give readers a teeny tiny glimpse into their hopes, dreams, and fears.

Mr Pontipine meets us at the gate of the family home, a semi-detached pre-war townhouse. He is simply dressed in a red coat and large hat, and he twirls his moustache as he shows us around. The yard is perfect for traditional folk dancing displays and picnics, he says. 'We often eat out here. We like the children to have a lot of fresh air. Frankly, we encourage them to be outside as much as possible.'

Mr and Mrs Pontipine purchased the house when they were 'a couple of fancy free yuppies', Mrs Pontipine laughs. Now, many years and eight children later, the single fronted dwelling can hardly hold the family of ten, who have to sleep altogether in the same room. While this arrangement has 'kept the family at a reasonable size', Mr Pontipine admits that there have been down sides. 'Imagine eight newborn babies in one room', he says, shivering slightly at the memory.

Mr Pontipine shows us into his study where three children pop out suddenly from behind a bookshelf. After shooing them away, Mr Pontipine points us to his desk where a completed manuscript sits, awaiting his final approval before it will be sent to his publishers. The book, titled Living by the bell: Our life with eight teeny tiny children is 'a handbook for parents, grandparents, school teachers, basically anyone with a large number of children to contain', explains Mr Pontipine. The family are very excited about the upcoming publication, due in stores in time for Christmas, and Mrs Pontipine confides that she hopes the royalties will make their life a little easier by allowing them to expand their home. She has her eye on the adjoining townhouse, where another teeny tiny family currently resides. 'If we could buy the Wottingers out and knock through, we could double our living space,' she enthuses.

As to rumours that they are somehow related to the Wottinger family, Mrs Pontipine chuckles. 'We get that all the time. But no, they are no relation. Frankly, I can't see that many similarities between our families at all, apart from the eight children thing. No one asks if we are related to John and Kate Plus Eight'.

While living what some would see as an idealistic existance - walks in the garden, picnics, games of hide and seek, rides on the Ninky-Nonk and Pinky-Ponk - the family admit to one secret fear. 'Have you seen the size of the Tittifers?' asks Mr Pontipine, referring to the garden's famous all-bird barbershop group. 'We live in fear of one of the children being taken by one of those things.' This, he explains, is one reason why the family are so particular about heading to bed as soon as they hear the Tittifers start to sing each evening.

As we interview the family, the peace of the household is shaken by a sudden immense noise. Plates of delicious food dance across the table and pictures fall from the wall. 'It's those darn Tombliboos again,' shouts Mr Pontipine over the racket. Grabbing the family's trubliphone, he begins shouting into it. 'Tell them to turn it down!', yells Mrs Pontipine. 'I am telling them, Vera!' he replies. The children dance around with their hands over their ears. Everything is chaos. One gets the feeling that this scene has been played out many times in this little house.

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Upsy Daisy Lip Sync Scandal

The night garden has been rocked by admissions that well-known singer Upsy Daisy was lip syncing to a pre-recorded track at her concert last Tuesday night. 'Her lips didn't move in time with the song', said one concert attendee, 'it was a dead giveaway'. Another noted that the song she sang was identical to one that she had sung previously.

Upsy 'Virus'
In a press conference held today, Upsy Daisy's manager stated that the singer had a 'virus' and was unable to perform on Tuesday. 'Rather than disappoint her fans, Upsy decided to mime', he confirmed.  He added that Ms Daisy was still recovering from her alleged illness, and was spending a lot of time in her bed. 'She sends kisses to all her fans,' he said.

Cease and desist: Pontipines
In related news, the Pontipine family have taken out a court order against Upsy Daisy demanding that she cease and desist from her megaphone concerts altogether. The family argued that the noise level generated by Ms Daisy and her megaphone exceeds maximum safety levels recommended by teeny tiny doctors. 'Our children are at risk of severe damage to their hearing if these concerts persist', stated Mr Pontipine.

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